substance

I turned in my book! I went through copy edits for the past week. I locked myself in a friends empty house and read the whole damn thing out loud to myself over the course of a few days. The thing I always tell my students to do. It is so so so important. And excruciating! And emotionally exhausting. And you just don’t want to talk to anyone after a day of that.

It is a birth in many ways, except the gestation in my case was epically long. In the sense that you think you are on the other side, but it’s just the beginning. The realization that now the thing, the baby is in the world, you will worry about and care for it for the rest of your life.

Writing a book over the span of many years, then editing and proofreading, then copy editing, and then waiting for it to come out and the whole thing is just the weirdest process. I’ve heard other writers talk about this, the distance and alienation from the book that they feel when it finally comes out into the world. And I can see that now, how the writing of the book is the best part. The being in a project, feeling alive, getting ideas in the shower, or on a late night drive, or when you’ve finally turned off the light ready for sleep. To be in something that is still forming and shaping itself is painful and glorious.

And then if you are like me— someone who writes slow and in fragments over the course of a decade plus, asking yourself what is this about, reminding yourself constantly of the questions you are writing towards because they change—suddenly you are a sculptor. Shaping and reshaping, cutting, molding, honing, sanding, whittling, moving big heavy pieces and rearranging.

There are so many things that I took out— whole relationships, deaths, surgeries, diagnoses, dogs, heartbreaks, close calls with assault.

There were moments that were never supposed to be in this book. Like how in 1996 I called my answering machine in Brooklyn from a pay phone from college (I was a commuter) to get my messages and there was a message from Courtney asking if I wanted to go to Mustique, a private island in the Caribbean archipelago nation of St. Vincent and the Grenadines. I could barely afford my rent that $275 at the time. I said yes, of course. They lost our luggage. That same year she took me as her date to the VH-1 Fashion Awards and then back to Donatella Versace’s House for a party where everyone disappeared upstairs except for me, Melissa, and fucking Bono who was dancing alone to The Verve’s “Bittersweet Symphony” in his platform boots. Or how, also in 1996, Lady Bunny could scream into my answering machine at just the right pitch to check or erase all of my messages. Maybe I need to write an essay about answering machines. Mine was beige and as big as a cookie sheet. Or one about 1996. I’ve been reading Melissa Auf der Maur ‘s memoir, so I am thinking a lot about the 90’s and being “the nanny” right now. As my son always tells me, I am from the 1900s.

After reading an early draft of my book Jessica Hopper said I think there are like four books in here. And man, she was right. That stayed with me. I felt early on that I had to get everything in there, and I was also afraid that I wouldn’t have anything left to say when this book was finished. To turn it in, and then what? It was scary.

But then in the past two weeks this idea emerged with this growing sense of freedom. An opening in my gut. I have been writing alongside this book for the last couple of years, and suddenly two ideas started to coil around each other. And then a third. And this woven thing feels so good to think about and move towards. A stone to carry in my pocket real and cool and smooth. I feel exhilarated and profoundly grateful to have another project to walk into that might hold me up in this dark world. I am nothing without it. As the incredible Beth Pickens wrote Your Art Will Save Your Life. May it continue to do so for all of us.

When I sent my copy edited manuscript I had a tweaky fetishy request to have a little line between the title and the place names and dates of each of the four sections in the book like on the cover of New Order’s Substance above. I’m much more a Power, Corruption & Lies girl, but I LOVE a text only cover of a thing. Roddy Bottum said once that I am New Order and he is Joy Division, but honestly I am both. I contain multitudes.

And then the amazing Brooke Palmieri author of the incredible Bargain Witch and Dopamine’s designer said:

I am elated!

When I was in 7th grade my friend Delaney had the 12” single for New Order’s Substance and we’d listen to it on the turntable in his dining room surrounded by his mom’s paintings. Again I’d say and we’d lift the needle and start it over. It’s one of those songs that I listen to and wonder if there has ever been a song that sounded that perfect. There have been many. “Leave Me Alone” is another.

I CAN’T WAIT TO SHARE THE COVER. It’s gorgeous.

Oh my god and THE BLURBS. Getting a blurb from a writer you deeply admire who has read your book is the most incredible honor. I cry every time I get one. I can’t wait to share them. To work with Michelle Tea and Dopamine Books is a dream. Onward!